How To Conquer & Reclaim Your Life As A Single Mom

In March 2009, 10 years ago at the time I’m writing this, I went on a trip half-way around the world to Hong Kong. At the time, I had no idea it was the trip that would set me free to reclaim my life.

I was in a suffocating marriage at the time. My 4 boys were all so little, I was somehow trying to home-school my oldest two. I was beyond exasperated. My soul had been sucked dry.  

I was involved in a small group of blogging friends on line at the time. All of us were deconstructing from legalistic spiritual abuse and learning to embody a grace-filled way of life. It was a powerful time albeit incredibly challenging. This small group of bloggers helped me hold out for hope.

The trip to Hong Kong was for a grace and glory conference. It was one of those divine interventions. I knew I had to go, even though it didn’t make a whole lot of sense logically.

My ex was not supportive of me going. He berated for months as I planned to go in spite of him. Deep down I had gathered my resolve with the support of my grace blogging friends. They helped me financially as well.  An angel in human form, Dan Bowen (may he rest in peace), paid for my airfare to get there, as well as bought my conference ticket. Others helped emotionally & financially too, as I had to get a passport secretly on my own without my ex knowing.

I had to get the whole thing arranged without his support. He harassed and threatened me the entire time I made my plans, but I was bound and determined I was gonna go.

Keep in mind, I had tried to leave him at least two times prior to wanting to go on this trip. It had been years of relentless increasing verbal abuse and mental, emotional manipulation without any hope of change.

This trip was not about going to a grace conference - it was about getting my life back. It was my ticket to permanent freedom.

As scary as it was, I left all 4 of my kids, got on a plane by myself for the longest ride of my life halfway across the globe. What ensued was life altering.

I’ll save all the details for another time (I am writing this story in my book after all)... today, I want to share how that trip SAVED my life.

I spent almost a week in one of the most congested hectic cities on the planet in a disgusting smelly tiny room where hardly anyone spoke English, yet I felt the most peace I had experienced in forever.

I was treated with kindness. No one harassed me daily. I was able to focus on myself for once. Even though our tiny room exhaust was incredibly suffocating physically, I felt able to ‘breathe’ more than ever.

It’s funny to me now that I went to a very charismatic healing conference, but the real healing did not occur there. It occurred when I got the resolve to stand up for myself, and this time for good.

It was not an instant ‘laying on of hands’ kind of healing. Not even close. BUT it was a final instant resolve, one where there was no looking back. It was time to reclaim my life and be free forever.

On the flight home, I was both ready and terrified to go back. I knew what I had to do.

The second I got in the car when he picked me up at the airport, I was instantly mistreated. My week of peace and basic human respect was over and it was time to stick up for myself so I could have that permanently.

The next day, I wrote him a firm letter laying it all on the line. I said if he continued to treat me in this way, I was done for good. This time I meant it. For 2 weeks he ‘behaved’ himself. He was quiet, didn’t stir up conflict, helped more with the kids and chores. But it didn’t last.

One early evening, 2 months later, he came downstairs with that glazed over look. The look that indicated he was not really there. I knew he was drunk. He said he slipped in the shower and fell and wanted pity. I had none.

I literally insisted with every ounce of adrenaline in me he go to the local AA meeting in town that was starting in 15 minutes. He gave push-back -so I literally physically pushed his 6 foot 5 inch, well over 250 pound, drunk ass out of the door and locked it.

I was done.

The adrenaline surge kept me on high alert. I wasn’t sure what would happen but I knew I had to stick to my guns. I put the kids to bed and tried to go to bed myself.

Later than night, he came back. I heard my bedroom window being pelted with rocks. I called the cops. They came. He wanted to come in. I said no.

They escorted him to a local motel, which I had to pay for with cash I had been stashing away for my own use to buy a new camera.

The next morning, he came waltzing back up to the front door, as if he was just coming home and nothing had happened. I was ready for him though.

I went outside, sat on the front stoop and explained to him I was done. He could not come back home and that was that. I went back inside and dead bolted the door while he sat there dumbfounded.

That day was the first day of my brand new life. It was my chance to start over and live on my own terms and take back what was stolen from me. As well as to give my chance to live in a home that felt safe, loving and peaceful.

It’s 10 years later.

And while I wish I could say that the road has been paved with rainbows and unicorns, I CAN say it has been an incredibly empowering journey. A journey that has led me to a more beautiful version of me than I could have ever dreamed. One that I love.

My kids and I have come a long way since that time. We have overcome a lot, and we are more than still standing. We are stronger than ever and growing stronger.

I’m telling this little piece of my story because it has led me to my purpose in life. To empower other women like me, post divorce (or even prior) to not just survive, but that they can indeed THRIVE. In all areas of their life.

One of the reasons it took me SO LONG to get my resolve was the fear of how would I make it financially. How would I support us all on my own. I was so burned out in every way; physically, mentally, emotional, spiritually.

I could not fathom what it would take to be the sole provider and care taker, knowing the stark reality of dealing with an alcoholic.

What I will say is this; the struggle I’ve experienced on my own to rise was worth every second and far more tolerable than staying in situation of abuse, neglect and lack of basic decency. It was an empowering journey even though it was incredibly challenging along the way.

I know it’s scary trying to leave a marriage you know can never work. I know the thought of the unknown can be crippling. I know the fear of the out-lash when you finally leave is petrifying. Even if your partner isn’t entirely abusive it can still be terrifying to leave and start over.

You have to learn a whole new way of life. One that allows you to be self-sustainable instead of co-dependent. So you one day stand a chance of finding a relationship that is liberating because you have a healthy inter-dependence.

I’ve walked this path on my own for 10 years now. Without any real support, and barely any financial support. With four kids no less. The statistics show most single mom households only have 1 or 2 kids.

So I know all of the ins and outs. And I’ve overcome a lot and can honestly say I am the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been. Not perfect mind you, cause let's just be honest there is no such thing (perfection is an illusion).

I created a life around my beliefs and what I know my family needs most. I created my own work so I could be a steady home-base for my kids. I created a life by design and I'm so happy I get to do what I love and be there for my kids.

I want to help you do the same. I want to help you more than survive because you deserve to thrive. I want to help you avoid years and years of struggle.

You can indeed reclaim your life as a single mother and make it work according to your terms. In other words, do what your inner wisdom tells you is best for YOU and your family. After all, you are done being a dis-empowered woman, right?

How To Conquer & Reclaim Your Life As A Single Mom

1. Trust YOURSELF

One of the hardest things is trust. You just got out of a marriage that wasn't working for whatever reason and that shatters your faith in so many ways. And one of the biggest things to waiver is trust. Trust in relationship, people, yourself. But there's a reason you are out now, there's a reason it didn't work and there's a reason to trust that there is so much more and better for you now.

2. Do what is best for you and your kiddos.

Only YOU know what is best for you and your family. And if divorce has left you burned out beyond all comprehension and emotionally drained of your every reserve both physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially -you GET TO be gentle with yourself.

Get what support you can get (through the broken system) and do not be tempted to be a victim of that system and what you just went through.

GET a counselor, therapist or coach in whatever way you can make that happen and start to take ONE baby step at a time towards creating the kind of life you believe is best for you and your family.

3. Do what you LOVE and are passionate about

More women now today are creating their own income from home with flexibility, that's one possibility to consider -it's what I chose. Doing work you love matters, even if you don't get paid the mega bucks at first or ever. Make sure you don't just 'settle' again in yet another area of your life. You deserve to enjoy all areas of your life.

4. Share relentlessly with courage

While it's incredibly painful and hard to ignore the shame, shaming from your ex, society, or the system for trusting your momma warrior instinct - you can learn to. It takes more courage than you may think you can muster, but believe me we all have courage even if we have to dig a little to find it. The courage will continue to come and come and come as you get more clear on what you want and take one step at a time towards it. AS you process and heal the trauma of your unique situation, your courage will only grow stronger. Your courage will empower your kids and other women who are 'stuck' to get free.

5. Get as much support from accepting understanding friends and family.

Tribe is everything. I can't tell you how much I need women around me who rallied for me to pursue my passion. So many people did not get it and deferred their fear/concerns onto me. It's so hard to trust after being mistreated for so long, but there are safe people and people who understand.

If you are ready to get supported & empowered so you can reclaim your burned out health and life post-divorce as single mom, , I invite you to book a breakthrough session with me today. We'll get on the phone and discuss your happiest outcome for your health and dreams right now, and if I believe I can support you in that, I'll share how.

You don't have to wait to live your best life - you can start NOW. You already waited so long but now you get to make your own decisions that best serve you. I know I can help you and can't wait to do so if you do too.